RADBOURNISMS

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Once upon a time in a forest far, far away there lived a little girl who always wore a green jumper, a green skirt, green socks, green shoes, and a green cape with a hood to keep her head warm. Her name was Little Green Riding Hood. Little Green Riding Hood was a very good little girl. She was never naughty, she was always very polite, and she did her bit to protect the environment whenever she could.

One day, Little Green Riding Hood decided to visit her poor old Granny who lived in a small cottage on the other side of the forest.

"I shall take Granny some cakes," she said, "making sure they contain no artificial colourings, preservatives, or flavourings." She took the cakes out of the cupboard, put them in a basket, then set off for Granny's house. On the way, she saw some pretty flowers growing by the side of the path. "These would look nice in a vase in Granny's bedroom," she said, "but I must check my flower guide to make sure they aren't a rare species before I pick them." As she read her little handbook she didn't notice the big black wolf hiding behind a nearby tree.

"Little Green Riding Hood will make a tasty meal," slurped the hungry creature, "and as she eats only organically grown produce, she'll contain none of those harmful pesticides used in excess by irresponsible farmers." As Little Green Riding Hood continued on her way, the wolf jumped out in front of her. "Hello little girl," he said. "Tell me, what have you in your basket?"

"Some cakes for my poor old Granny who lives in a cottage on the other side of the forest," replied Little Green Riding Hood politely.

"May I help you carry it?" asked the wolf.

"No, thankyou," answered Little Green Riding Hood sweetly. "In this modern time wimmin can no longer be considered the weaker sex, so I shall carry the basket myself. I must hurry now. Good-bye."

"Have a nice walk," sneered the wolf as Little Green Riding Hood walked off into the trees.

"What a nice man," she thought. "I only hope that fur coat he was wearing wasn't real." She didn't spot the cunning wolf rush on ahead of her through the trees to Granny's house.

Before long the wolf arrived at Granny's pretty little cottage. He laughed to himself as he knocked on the door.

"Who's there?" squeaked a frail-sounding voice from inside.

"I'm the man whose come to collect your old fridge, the one containing the CFC gases which are causing the rapid depletion of the ozone layer."

"Oh good," said the voice. The door opened and there stood Granny. The wolf instantly grabbed her. She screamed but she could not escape as the wolf tied her up, gagged her, and locked her in the old fridge. Then, he put on Granny's nightie and night cap and hopped into bed just as there was another knock on the door."

"Who is it?" snarled the wolf.

"It is me, Little Green Riding Hood," replied a young girl's voice.

"Come in, my dearie," said the wolf, and Little Green Riding Hood opened the door and skipped to the bedside.

"Hello Granny," she said chirpily. "I've bought you some delicious cakes and some beautiful flowers."

"Thank you dearie," said the wolf. He was beginning to drool at the thought of devouring the young girl. Little Green Riding Hood looked long and hard at her grandparent. Something didn't look quite right.

"My Granny, what big eyes you have," she said.

"All the better for seeing the harmful effects of acid rain on the trees outside, my dear," answered the clever wolf.

"My Granny, what a big nose you have," said Little Green Riding Hood.

"All the better for smelling the toxic pollutants pumped into atmosphere by hundreds of factories every day, my dear," asnwered the wily beast.

"My Granny, what big teeth you have," said Little Green Riding Hood. "In fact, you look just like a wolf, once native to these shores but hunted to extinction by men for sport." The wolf, realising he had been found out, quickly leapt out of bed and chased the terrified child all around the cottage. Little Green Riding Hood screamed and screamed as loud as she could.Outside, a woodcutter named Jack heard the commotion and raced into the cottage to see what was wrong. He saw the evil wolf chasing Little Green Riding Hood, so he took out his sharpest axe, grabbed the wolf, and chopped is tail cleanly off. The wolf yelped in pain, then ran off deep into the woods, never to be seen again. Little Green Riding Hood was safe.

"Thank you," she said as she shook hands with her her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Jack the woodcutter," he replied. Little Green Riding Hood frowned.

"You're the one who's destroying huge areas of the rainforests of South America every minute," she scowled, and she gave Jack a very log lecture about preserving the ecosystem. Then, she let Granny out of the fridge.

"Thank you, dearie," said the smelly old biddy. "Will you stay for tea?"

"No thank you, Granny," Little Green Riding Hood said. "I'm going to demonstrate at the Japanese Embassy about whaling," and she danced off home to fetch her lead-free petrol bombs. Granny waved goodbye, then went back into her cottage. Jack quit his job and became the local Green Party candidate. In fact, everyone lived happily, ad greenly, ever after. Everyone except the wolf. He got a demolition contract from three little pigs, but that's another story entirely...

THE END

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