SIMON MAYO'S CONFESSIONS
Back in the 1990's on BBC Radio One, Simon Mayo did the lunchtime show, with the Confessions feature. Listeners would write in with their confession, which would then be forgiven (or not). I sent the below in in October 1994. I listened to the show for a week, missing just one day. This was the day they read my confession. If anyone out there knows if I was forgiven or not, please let me know.
The following incident happened two years ago, and I can no longer live with my guilt. I've since moved away from my home in Hinckley, Leicestershire, where it all occurred, and tried to rebuild my life, but I am unable. Please grant me the forgiveness I crave so much.
My mother-in-law, Carla, never really took to me in the beginning. I've no idea why. Unfortunately her dislike of me seemed to be shared by her cat, a beautiful persian blue called Arabella, Bella for short. Bella was the most gorgeous and pampered pussy I'd ever know - Carla even used baby wipes on the poor thing's bottom - but it was also the most vicious, towards me at least. It never missed a chance to bite or scratch me whenever I visited with my wife. Consequently, I detested the animal.
One afternoon a distressed Carla rang, begging to speak to her daughter. She was out so I had to listen to her moans. It seemed Bella had escaped. She had been missing for hours, and Carla was frantic with worry. Seeing a brilliant chance to get into Mum-in-law's good books at last, I offered to find, or rather hunt down the beast. She couldn't thank me enough. I instantly became her hero. I hung up, sat down, and turned on the telly. My plan was simple - watch TV for about an hour, then drive to Carla's and tell her I'd had no luck, that my quest has been fruitless. I'd stay the flavour of the month , and the poxy cat would probably turn up after a while anyway. When my programme finished, I hopped in my car and drove to Carla's. Now, I'm not a mad driver, but I have got into the habit of speeding into mother-in-law's driveway and slamming on the brakes; it really puts the wind up both Carla and the cat. Old habits die hard, so today was no exception. I swung the vehicle into the drive at normal slightly-too-fast speed, and heard a terrible squeal from beneath the wheels. I jumped out as fast as I could, only to discover a rather dead-looking ball of bluish fluff half under my rear wheel. Bella must have returned home and been cleaning herself on the drive. Now I had literally parked on her.
Fortunately Carla wasn't around, so I retrieved the corpse, flung it into my car boot, and returned home filled with guilt. I rang Carla later to tell her I'd had no luck. She told me her neighbour had heard about cats being kidnapped in the area and sold for their fur. I expressed disgust and horror, as any caring son-in-law would. From that moment on, Bella became just another victim of the coat industry and is currently being worn by some foreign beauty. I never told Carla or my wife what I'd done. As for the body in the boot, there was a motorcycle factory being built on the outskirts of Hinckley. I was looking for a shallow grave, and a site worker was more than happy to oblige - for a tenner. In fact he found he whole story hilarious. Now, whenever I see a Triumph on the road, I think of that old persian blue.
I seek forgiveness not only for myself, but for the workman, his greed, and his laugh which was so deranged he probably needs psychiatric treatment. Please don't use my real name, as my relationship with Carla has improved because of this incident, and if she remotely suspected what had really happened I'd probably suffer the same fate as Bella.
Footnote - It's time for the real confessions.
1. My mother in law was not called Carla. In fact, at the time of writing I had not met my mother in law
2. I couldn't drive then, and still can't
3. I have never killed or parked on any feline of any kind.
4. The bit about the motorcycle factory is TRUE - it's about all that is.
I now seek forgiveness from Simon Mayo for abusing the institution he represented. But at least I got a free book out of it